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Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
-
Charles M. Schulz
Laugh out loud at these Hilarious Quotes - clean, but beyond funny and without redemption, other than the joy of rolling with laughter. These Hilarious Quotes range from classic to modern and touch on many aspects of life from love to business, religion to politics.
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-
Mark Twain
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
-
Benjamin Franklin
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
-
Oscar Wilde
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
-
Carl Sandburg
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
-
Mark Twain
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
-
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
-
Truman Capote
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
-
Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
-
Woody Allen
Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
-
Charles M. Schulz
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
-
Oscar Wilde
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
-
H. L. Mencken
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G. K. Chesterton
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-
Benjamin Franklin
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
-
Oscar Wilde
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-
Oscar Wilde
A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous
A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
-
W. C. Fields
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers
Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
- Zig Ziglar
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-
Bob Hope
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen
Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good.
-
Oliver Wendell Holmes
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
-
H. L. Mencken
Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
-
Mark Twain
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
-
Isaac Asimov
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-
George Carlin
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
-
Robert A. Heinlein
Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good.
-
Oliver Wendell Holmes
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
-
H. L. Mencken
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-
H. L. Mencken
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
-
Mark Twain
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
-
Will Rogers
Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
-
Isaac Asimov
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
-
Winston Churchill
A fool and his money are soon elected.
-
Will Rogers
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-
Will Rogers
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
-
Mark Twain
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
-
Oscar Wilde
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
-
Winston Churchill
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
-
H. L. Mencken
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
-
Will Rogers
We have the best government that money can buy.
-
Mark Twain
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
-
Oscar Wilde
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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.