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All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Welcome to this collection of The Funniest Quotes Ever. We have the Funniest Movie Quotes of All Time plus the funniest quotes of Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, and more of the funniest people ever.
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
-
Woody Allen
Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
-
Truman Capote
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
-
Woody Allen
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
- Anonymous
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde
Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-
Mark Twain
Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.
- Anonymous
Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.
- H. L. Mencken
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-
Bob Hope
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
-
W. C. Fields
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
-
George Eliot
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
-
Napoleon Bonaparte
For me, these are the Funniest Movie Quotes of All Time - the Funniest Quotes from Movies ever.
You have to learn to push the guilt under the rug and move on, otherwise it overwhelms you.
- Woody Allen (Chris Wilton - Match Point - 2005)
Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams (John Keating - Dead Poets Society - 1989)
I'm awash in self-contempt!
- Woody Allen (Lee Simon - Celebrity - 1998)
I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- (Joe - Simon Birch - 1998)
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- Woody Allen (Robin Simon - Celebrity - 1998)
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-
Mark Twain
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill
It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
- Epictetus
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous
Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Anonymous
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
-
Mark Twain
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
-
Carl Sandburg
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
-
Mark Twain
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin
The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous quote
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
- Albert Einstein
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
-
Mark Twain
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
-
Oscar Wilde
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate.
- Anonymous
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-
Mark Twain
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
-
Will Rogers
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
-
Mark Twain
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Anonymous
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.